Infertility....it's a word I never thought I would have to admit to. A word I never thought I would have to deal with. I did everything right in my life. Married the great husband, went to college, got the great career, started my own business, and ten years into marriage now its time to start the family. Only a year after quitting the pill, still not pregnant. In fact, I haven't had a period since I stopped taking the pill a year ago. I hate my body. I don't ovulate because my estrogen is too low. So, no ovulation means no natural way of conceiving. I met with a RE about 2 months ago but honestly that appointment was one big blur in my mind. I thought I was sent there by my OB because they couldn't figure out why I was not getting a period. In my mind, he would be able to fix me with a pill or something else to get my period regular. Once he started talking about infertility options I think the room started to cave in, the shock set in, and I missed everything else he said at that appt. A blood test and ultrasound later and I was deemed as having an "infertility plan". After I got home, I realized that I rushed into things and really didnt understand anything that we talked about that day. So, this week my husband and I are going to the RE together to sit down and just get all of our questions answered. I am trying to compile a list of questions but I really don't know what to ask. I'm sure he will think I am crazy when I walk in there with my mile long list of questions but this is a big deal. I want to know all the options, all the risks, all the possible outcomes. To say that I am very uninformed about infertility treatments would be an understatement. I am scared but ready to get answers at the same time.
If there is one thing I want others to know about me it's that I love God with all my heart and why I don't always understand his ways, I know he loves me and his plans are greater than I could ever imagine. This has been my biggest test of faith so far in my life. I have lived a good life in a safe bubble with very few hiccups along the way. Anything I thought was a trial up until this point was nothing compared to this. This tests my faith. This makes me question "If at the end of this I am still childless, will I still trust God?" Can I truly say "But if not...." at the end of my prayers that I cry out to God every morning and every night? I pray that this is a moment in my life where I look back and see a complete transformation in my life. I pray this is my story...you know that testimony that I can use of when God proved himself better than I could ever imagine in my life...that he will prove to be more than I ever imagined. I pray this journey can't help but point others to him and that I can glorify God through every up and every down.
I am starting this blog as a place to express every fear, joy, sadness, fear, praise during this trial. So few people understand infertility and the emotions that accompany it. If I can just write out my emotions, hopefully this will be a journal of our journey that I can look back on at the end of this and see Gods goodness in every moment. I am keeping this anonymous as I have not told may friends and family about our trials and journey yet. If my experience can help one other person going through the same thing or point one person to God's goodness then that would be an added bonus.
Thank you God for this place to express myself without fear. Thank you for your goodness God, even when I don't always see it.
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